Barnabas Tales Page 14
The Committee meets next week and I propose to place a complaint on the agenda. I will also add that you have been seen in the clubhouse without a tie - a scandalous omission which must not be repeated (See Club Rule 134g) - since it is strictly against club regulations and etiquette.
If you wish to make representations in the usual manner, meet me in the bar tonight at 8. Given the right circumstances and inducements, I just possibly may be able to hush up these shameful misdemeanours.
Yours sincerely, Adolph. (Club Captain)
Dear Adolph,
Your outrageous letter lies in front of me - it is totally out of bounds. I propose to pitch it in front of my solicitor. You and the committee are in a fair way of making complete fools of yourselves - made worse by your bunker mentality. I will not be handicapped by my good nature - you will find I can play rough and will enjoy putting you down.
Meanwhile I look forward to the day when you again lose your balls in the water hazard. I also intend to slice pieces out of your ridiculously baggy bogie plus-fours, and when I have finished with you, you’ll never get a birdie again. As Confucius says - May the wheels fall off your trolley every round.
Concerning your calumny, the two oldest members tottering by the 17th green were almost blind and practically senile. Too many golf balls have hit them on their heads. Being feeble-witted they may be prepared, in their imbecility, to believe any falsehood to which you may stoop to avoid being beaten by a better man. However, even our decrepit committee will see through your plot.
Concerning the necktie, someone had stolen my clothes when I came out of the showers in order to embarrass me on ladies night. I still have never received an explanation for their eventual discovery in your locker.
Unless you can mollify me tonight and put the better golfer into the next round, I shall propose a vote of no confidence and let your tires down in the car-park.
Yours slightly miffed, Nigel.
Dear Nigel,
Do I understand that you are denying standing on my ball while I was otherwise engaged in the bushes on the 17th? Why then did I find my perfectly good drive plugged? Are you suggesting that a pigeon tried to incubate it and sat so heavily that she pushed it into the turf, or perhaps a rabbit tried to take my ball vertically downwards to decorate his burrow? And how did you know it was at the 17th unless you are guilty? Also the gentlemen witnesses, although elderly, distinctly recall you taking your machete, which ought not to count as a club at all, to chop down the hawthorn bush which you claimed had sprung up since yesterday - I heard the crashes and thought you were breaking a few clubs in understandable frustration at your rotten play. Now I know it was rotten sportsmanship as well.
Fortunately my Committee exists, and knows that it exists, to promote the well-being of the Club, and in particular the Officers, the Committee and especially the Captain. In the lamentable year when you were Captain, I remember you won the cup by disqualifying several players for not having the proper grandparents’ residential certificates.
As you know, the Captain’s decisions are final.
Yours sincerely, Adolph. (Club Captain)
Dear Adolph,
Your Captain’s decisions are likely to be terminal as well as final. Tonight I’ll prove who was the winner by challenging you to personal combat. Pink gins behind the fruit machine at the 19th! Then I’ll stick you in the hole and jam the flag in so tightly that you won’t get out for a week.
Yours sincerely, Nigel.
Dear Nigel,
OK - Pink gins at 8 PM, and a buggy to take us home. Then we’d better go down and visit Father - his cirrhosis seems to be playing up again.
Yours sincerely, Adolph. (Club Captain)
THE SPICE OF LIFE.
The unexpected event was my trip in an open aeroplane over Shobdon.
The bad news was that I’m terrified of heights.
The good news was that I had an experienced pilot.
The bad news was that he liked to show off.
The good news was that he only flew upside down for a short time.
The bad news was that I fell out.
The good news was that I had a parachute.
The bad news was that I did not know how to open it.
The good news was that I found a string marked “Pull”.
The bad news was that the parachute didn’t open.
The good news was a hay cart in the field below
The bad news was that I was falling behind it.
The good news was that the horse became frightened and backed the cart.
The bad news was a pitchfork in the hay.
The good news was that the prongs were downwards.
The bad news was that I banged my head hard on the handle.
The good news was that when I opened my eyes an angelic girl bent over me.
The bad news was that ringing bells interrupted us.
Then the good news was my Teasmaid had delivered.
But the bad news was no-one beside me to share a cup even on St. Valentine’s Day.
NUMBERS.
(Sh = Shakespeare. A few are proverbs, with the earliest dates.)
3,000.142 (and still asking)
Give me a kiss, and to that kiss a score;
Then to that twenty, add a hundred more:
A thousand to that hundred: so kiss on,
To make that thousand up a million.
Treble that million, and when that is done,
Let’s kiss afresh, as when we first begun. Herrick.
1,000,000
If you really want to make a million ... the quickest way is to start your own religion. L Ron Hubbard.
And a thousand thousand slimy things, Lived on; and so did I. 1798.. The Ancient Mariner
20,000
And have they fixed the where and when? And shall Trelawny die?
Here’s twenty thousand Cornish men Will know the reason why! 1688
10,000
Ay, sir; to be honest, as this world goes, is to be one man picked out of ten thousand. (Sh).
One picture is worth ten thousand words. 1927
3,300
Give me a thousand kisses, then a hundred, then another thousand, then a second hundred, then yet another thousand, then a hundred. 60 BC - Catullus
1,000
Thousand pounds and a bottle of hay, is all one at Doomsday. 1659
Where, where was Roderick then? One blast upon his bugle-horn Were worth a thousand men! Walter Scott
300
O, what a world of vile ill-favoured faults Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year. (Sh) Merry Wives of Windsor.
100
There were captains by the hundred, there were baronets by dozens Gilbert
When I set out for Lyonesse, a hundred miles away. Hardy
Letting a hundred flowers blossom and a hundred schools of thought contend is the policy for promoting progress in the arts and the sciences and a flourishing socialist culture in our land. Mao
Hundred pounds of sorrow pays not one ounce of debt........1704
90
But I’ve ninety men and more that are lying sick ashore,
I should count myself a coward if I left them, my Lord Howard,
To these inquisition dogs and the devildoms of Spain The Revenge - Tennyson
80
The rottenness of eighty years in gold Byron 1822
“ ‘cos a coachman may be on the wery amicablest terms with eighty miles of females, and yet nobody think that he ever means to marry any vun among them.” Mr. Weller.
77
At seventy-seven it is time to be in earnest. Johnson - To the Western Isles
70
To be seventy years young is sometimes far more cheerful and hopeful than to be forty years old. Oliver Wendell Holmes
Now of my threescore years and ten, Twenty will not come again,
And take from seventy
springs a score, It only leaves me fifty more. A Shropshire Lad
They shut the road through the woods Seventy years ago. Kipling
64
Will you still need me, will you still feed me, When I’m sixty-four? John Lennon
60
The uselessness of men above sixty, and the incalculable benefit it would be in commercial, political, and in professional life if, as a matter of course, men stopped work at this age. William Osler
If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run. Kipling
Here I sit, alone and sixty, Bald, and fat, and full of sin,
Cold the seat and loud the cistern, As I read the Harpic tin. Alan Bennett
53
There’s never a law of God or man runs north of the Fifty-Three. Kipling
50
Love is lame at fifty years. Hardy
Half-owre, half-owre to Aberdour, ‘Tis fifty fathoms deep;
And there lies gude Sir Patrick Spens, We’ the Scots lords at his feet. Anon
A man shouldn’t fool with booze until he’s fifty; then he’s a damn fool if he doesn’t. William Faulkner
40
Every man over forty is a scoundrel. Shaw
Be wise with speed; A fool at forty is a fool indeed. 1750 Edward Young
A man he was to all the country dear, And passing rich with forty pounds a year. Goldsmith
Forty years on, when afar and asunder Parted are those who are singing today. Harrow & Manchester GS
When forty winters shall besiege thy brow, And dig deep trenches in thy beauty’s field. .Sh.
35
Thirty-five is a very attractive age. London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, of their own free choice, remained thirty-five for years. Oscar Wilde
33
Through life’s road, so dim and dirty, I have dragged to three and thirty,
What have these years left to me? Nothing - except thirty-three. Byron
30
I swear, she’s no chicken; she’s on the wrong side of thirty, if she be a day. Swift
I am past thirty, and three parts iced over. Matthew Arnold
26
Towards the age of twenty-six, they shoved him into politics. Belloc
23
She was married, charming, chaste, and twenty-three. Byron
21 & 22
When I was one and twenty, a wise man said to me, Houseman
20
As good twenty as nineteen 1670
Then come kiss me, sweet and twenty, Youth’s a stuff will not endure. Sh.
Live as long as you may, the first twenty years are the longest half of your life. Southey
19
Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure nineteen nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery Mr. Micawber
18
In my early years I read very hard. It is a sad reflection, but a true one, that I knew almost as much at eighteen as I do now. Boswell
17
I kiss’d her slender hand, She took the kiss sedately;
Maud is not seventeen, but she is tall and stately. Tennyson
16
Sixteen tons, what do you get? Another day older and deeper in debt. Merle Travis
15
Cold is the earth - and fifteen wild Decembers, From those brown hills, have melted into spring Emily Bronte
Here’s to the maiden of bashful fifteen, Here’s to the widow of fifty; Sheridan
Fifteen men on a dead man’s chest Yo-ho-ho, and a bottle of rum.Stevenson
13
It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. 1984
12
At twelve noon, the natives swoon, and no further work is done. Coward
11
Upon the platform, twixt eleven and twelve. Hamlet
I’m a second eleven sort of chap. James Barrie
10
My strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is pure. Tennyson
There’s a breathless hush in the Close tonight - Ten to make and the match to win -
A bumping pitch and a blinding light, An hour to play and the last man in. Henry Newbolt.
Stands the Church clock at ten to three? And is there honey still for tea? Rupert Brooke
Ship me somewheres east of Suez, where the best is like the worst,
Where there aren’t no Ten Commandments an’ a man can raise a thirst. Kipling.
And below ten the choice becomes so wide that it is unmanageable.
“SKY-BLUE” THINKING LEAK.
(We hope this Leak only represents ideas - written a decade ago it seems uncomfortable prescient.)
Dear Sir Stanley,
Our group has instructed me to write. The current British Medical Journal includes articles which show that combination tablets of a cocktail of drugs in low doses taken by everyone over 55 years will reduce or defer many illnesses and seriously prolong life. The fiscal effects would be most severe. This letter does not describe official policy, but senior members of the Department know about the following comments. It must not be shared beyond your most close and discrete circle.
The BMJ articles are peer-refereed and the conclusions likely to be correct – therefore there will be a most grave problem paying for pensions, both private and public, since pensioners will live longer. We feel there is something anti-social about large numbers of elderly people endeavouring to take treatment to draw their pensions for as long as possible, but we do not recommend making this treatment illegal. It should, however, carry a special tax and not be provided free to the elderly. Ideally the tablets should taste very strong and offensive, and special provisions for publicising side effects will be necessary.
The Government already recognises that individuals will have to work far longer to feed and house themselves. Legislation is under discussion. We endorse presenting this as the provision of new extra choice and flexibility.
The SARS epidemic has petered out – it seemed very promising as it was an infection where all those who died were aged 70 or more. A worldwide epidemic with a similar result would have most beneficial effects on pension funding. Much more research and information is required.
PFI programmes have very usefully reduced the ability of the NHS to admit or treat ill old people. Therefore as well as reducing immediate capital costs to Government they have some additional beneficial effects on the overall pension bill. Deaths of middle-class house-owners bring significant IHT revenue. On the other hand we are concerned about the increased numbers of NHS staff eligible for public sector pensions, and as soon as possible recommend making NHS Trusts responsible for employees’ pensions prior to privatisation. And of course we strongly support transferring as many services as possible to the private sector for the same reason. For presentation we expect any reductions in service can be attributed to greedy Luddite hospital consultants.
We firmly recommend breaking the link between public sector pensions and inflation. As soon as a short period of deflation occurs, public sector pensions can be fixed. This will be welcomed initially by pensioners, but as soon as inflation recurs the savings from fixed pensions will be very significant.
We take the view that various criminal offences should be punished by permanent reductions in pensions, whether in the public or private sectors. Inland Revenue, Excise, and motoring offences would be particularly suitable. This is already possible in the Armed Services.
Equality and Non-Discrimination legislation should include the withdrawal of extraordinary benefits which a proportion of citizens gain through the marriage ceremony. We feel there is no good reason why a widow should receive a pension while a mistress receives nothing. Any legislation should also apply to same sex relationships. It will be much better, eas
ier and fairer to achieve full equity and lack of discrimination and equity by withdrawing all pensions for dependents. Furthermore removing the ability for married persons to transfer assets to each other including at death would greatly strengthen CGT and IHT income.
Some of our recommendations are long-term and the benefits may take a few years to accrue, but remain assured that my Minister is fully devoted to the New Principles of responsible and forward-looking government and citizenship. Spending must be prioritised. She feels that pensions should not be excessive with over-generous provision when there are so many other matters to be supported, particularly those which interest young and important people in sport, the media, and business.
Finally, although outside our remit, we question whether pensioners and those who cost the Treasury money should still fully be included in the franchise. This would correctly place juveniles and pensioners in the same category of non-voting and non-financially contributing citizens.
It was good to see you in such excellent form at the hunt protest last month.
Yours sincerely,
Richard
THE LEATHER-BOUND LEDGER
A beautifully bound book came to me when my Glaswegian grandfather died. It recorded the members of a central Glasgow Presbyterian Church beginning in 1854 with a final entry in 1920. Reasons for ceasing membership were listed in the book and shed a little oblique but interesting light on life in Glasgow during those years,
There were 130 members on 22nd of May, 1854 and some of the reasons for members of this first group ceasing membership follow:-
“Expelled from membership for unfaithfulness”,
“Gone to the Roman Catholic Church”,
“Died about 4 am April 19th 1858 in her 111 year - Christ precious”,
”Left in consequence of not being allowed to teach publicly - JB’s teaching confused and at times erroneous”,
“Left Town”;