Barnabas Tales Read online

  We sat and watched silently. A few minutes later a kingfisher flew upstream below our feet, perched on a twig and ate a small crustacean - probably a young crayfish. After a satisfied pause, it flashed away.

  Later in deepening dusk a large bird flew low and silently downstream. As it neared the bridge it gained height to clear the brickwork, and came straight towards us. At the last moment it noticed strangers in its flight path, and spread its wings fully to make an emergency stop. The barn owl looked very surprised, and then went past our heads.

  So wait and let animals, birds, and life come to you. Bustle and haste are fine for plants, ferns or fossils, but the secrets for seeing shy active members of the countryside are silence, stealth, and stillness.

  ARCHEOLOGICAL FRAGMENT

  CONFIDENTIAL PROCEEDINGS OF NEW WOOLHOPE SOCIETY - 2206 VOL 5 pp88-89 Analysis and Discussion of Teeming-Age Fragment. Williams, PG; O’Leary MF; SodukoO9.

  Summary A recent written fragment discovered in Herefordshire provides information about Western Province and the mysterious Golf cult over 200 years ago.

  Methods The fragment and its ink was submitted to carbon and other radioisotope analysis, and deep computer style and content investigation.

  Results....One piece of crumpled paper was restored and the writing, as far as possible, deciphered. The recovered text is presented below. The original can be examined on request. The paper came from a mixture of trees growing between 1950 and 2005. Ink was typical of primitive ball and pigment writing instruments of the time.

  Text:-

  “Wednesday, 18th ………. Okehampton. Wakened late, feeling a bit better. The hotel had forgotten our 7.15 call. Scurry to pack. Put on golf gear – no time to shave. Quick breakfast – grapefruit slices ……………….. coffee. (This place has all the ingredients for a vast greasy traditional breakfast.) Settled bill while B. began to pack.

  Booked on the Oakwood course at 9.05. Drove to Ashbury Golf Hotel and complex in sunshine. Excellent view of moors. Decided not to hire a buggy. Pleasant round, much better than the Pines, and we have not tried the other two courses. Grass sodden to begin with, drying throughout the day. Only two lost balls, golf deplorable. Legs weary and feet wet, but otherwise dry.

  Lunch at Ashbury after pints of soda and lime.

  Early afternoon left for home, B driving, and missed the turn to the A30 once. Took the A30, M5, newer Severn Bridge and the A449. We were home in time to catch ……………..

  ………… many letters and adverts on the carpet, most went straight into the bin. I package only for Tanzania. Made a string of phone calls; checked the garden; read the mail; decided not enough time to do homework; looked at Ramblers and Lifeboat ………………………

  Bed early at about 10.30 after a bath – bliss.”

  Discussion:-

  This paper fragment came to light having been used to wrap two jewelled rings sealed in a small jar and buried. (Rings and DNA will be described in another communication.) The hidden jar and paper escaped destruction during various reform programmes until discovered and acquired by the authors.

  The script was eventually recognised as English written by a shaky uneducated hand omitting most verbs.

  The text is a day document or diary drawn up when the Western Provinces were habitable. Okehampton can be identified as a small ruined town visited in 2163 by a fully protected team which identified various structures. There are no indications of the position of the hotel mentioned in the text.

  An interesting aspect of the find concerns the physical state of Western Province at the time. From the reference to wet grass it is clear there was considerable vegetation. It is also worth noting that although weather was described, there was no reference to radioactivity.

  Four golf courses were mentioned. Lin Pau et al (1) have estimated that each golf course, thought to have been the site for one of the many semi-religious cults of Pre-Reduction Time, drew devotees from a population of about 20,000 people. Previous information about the Golf cult indicates that two classes of people took part – mounted buggy users and footpersons. Buggy users have been identified as priests and those who walked as ordinary worshippers, but this fragment suggests that the writer used a buggy one day and walked on the next so possibly he or she was a trainee priest. A collection of 4 courses together suggest a major plastic-age devotional centre serving a population of about 80,000 people. Archaeological records from other golf courses have revealed many small plastic coloured cup-shaped objects probably related to the mushrooms, possibly hallucinogenic, which were eaten at the time. Larger spherical objects which resembled eggs with dimpled plastic shells have also been found (2). We know from surviving documents that diminished fertility was a major concern (3) so these eggs and perhaps the cup-shaped objects were probably sexual symbols.

  The fragment also describes travel on roads identified by simple letters and numbers. It clearly indicates that the writer took a wrong turning, not only indicating defective planning but the lack of proper position controls characteristic of the late Teeming Age.

  The reference to mail appears to indicate paper artefacts imposed on dwellings for advertising. Shortly before the first of the Great Changes, we know that spending on advertising began to exceed GDP, and some analysts (4) regard this as a reason for the success of the first New Levellers.

  References to Tanzania, homework, Ramblers and Lifeboat have so far resisted analysis. Further research is required.

  References

  1) Lin Pau, A; Lin Pau, B; and Pau Lin A. Golf – an opiate for how many? J. Int. Faith & Folly (2202) Vol 35, pp 137-236.

  2) Coproliths or Sacred Ovae? Leading article Sun (2204) Issue 2790524, p3.

  3) Where Have All the Babies Gone? Deep Throat Singers. 2201 Ministerial Purple Paper pp 1076-1085.

  4) GreenPiece Discussion Paper. Slay a Whale to Catch a Sprat (2204) Vol 159, pp 985-986.

  NB. Before transmission, this has been fully encrypted. Any hard copies must be destroyed immediately.

  VERY LATE SPRING, DORMINGTON, 2033

  A watery sun shone between clumps of grey clouds. Last year’s dead strands of grass lay in clumps with a few green leaves pushing through the ground. The small vehicle stopped on the open shoulder of a hill and a young girl climbed out followed by a very old man.

  “G2. Thanks for bringing me here - what a good viewplace. Do you mind me calling you G2 - its so much easier than great-grandpapa?”

  “Whatever you like, my dear. I come here now and then to look over the hills and to see the changes in the seasons - when the track is dry enough.”

  “Are those the Black Mountains over there?”

  “Yes, and the end that drops away is called Hay Bluff.”

  “Why are they called Black - it is quite the wrong colour?”

  “I don’t know exactly, but they used to look black for much of the year - before we got permanent snows. We used to have an Easter Monday breakfast each year somewhere on the top, in the days when there was a hospital in Hereford. It would be far too cold and wild now.”

  The girl went over to a line of dead bushes. “What are these, G2?”

  “Those were called hawthorns - often grown to divide fields and stopping cows and sheep getting into the wrong part of the farm. You can still see them lower down in sheltered places, but up here the frosts are too hard. They used to be very pretty when blossoming in the Spring.”

  “And down in the valley - it all seems to be trees.”

  “Yes, they are mostly planted - silver birches and some tough conifers where there used to be hops. They can cope with the cold so long as they are protected from the worst of the wind, and they are the only crop to survive. There’s no other cultivation here. Higher up than where we are no trees grow - there’s just the stumps of the woodland trees I can remember from only twenty years ago.”

  “G2. There are some dead trees in your garden - why do you keep t
hem instead of burning them for firewood? And they would be dangerous if they fell down.”

  “Sentiment, dear, really. They were lovely trees before the climate changed. The big ones were Walnuts and Sycamores, and there was a tall Tulip Tree. I suppose I saved them for their memories. We used to have so many walnuts and the Tulip trees bore such strange yellowy-green flowers. When I’ve gone they will be chopped down I expect, though the wood of Walnuts and Tulip trees used to be far too valuable to burn. But now nobody makes furniture nearby. I must show you some of the old calendars with pictures of Dormington before the freeze-up.”

  A gust of wind rustled the dead grasses. The old man sat down on the step of the buggy while the girl looked further around. “It looks as if the wind could blow hard up here.”

  “Yes. In fact two hundred years ago this was called Windmill Field, and we are on Tower Hill - I’m sure once upon a time there was a windmill here. And there is a fairly flat access. The most likely place for a windmill is over there by that corner of dead hawthorns. A few years ago there was talk of putting up a wind generator, but nothing came of it.”

  “And what is that building over there?”

  “The dark one with turrets is the ruin of a Christian nunnery, but the dome you can see up on the left is a temple - that’s the one we have to attend in our area.”

  “G2 - do you ever think of coming to stay with us? It is far warmer than this cold, icy, wet and windy wilderness. Almost everybody else has left except for a few herdsmen and soldiers.”

  “Well, I still have my pension, which I would lose if I moved - that’s how I have managed to keep the house repaired. And at my age I have lost desire to visit new places an people, though I do love to see your family and you at home and doing things, watching you from my own comfortable chair. I especially enjoyed watching your elephant outing. But I was sad to see what warming has done to your trees and the jungle - strange really that your home has become too hot while my old trees freeze to death. I think I’ll stay and keep them company.”

  A cloud covered the sun and the girl shivered. They climbed back into the vehicle, and disappeared down the track towards the valley floor.

  Plays Various.

  Kate would sometimes invite us to write small plays or parts of them, and we might read the parts during a Writing session. Elizabeth Rumsey showed herself to be a natural actor. One of our earlier group of scribblers, Dot Cameron, wrote a considerable number of plays to be put on at the Hampton Park United Reform Church during services. These were short, funny, but also had a serious core or point which the Minister might bring out afterwards with a few words of his own. There was usually a part for Charles Renton. I failed to get Dot to collect and publish these, but Margaret Renton has an almost complete set and someday they may yet reach a wider audience.

  The ten short offerings which follow were written as homework – and perhaps a certain cynicism glints through about government and regulations. Some of them draw from experiences or events, but no characters is real.

  PREPARING FOR CRISES

  (And awarding the National Emergency Contract)

  A room at the Ministry for Making Decisions. Three Senior professionals are present – Sir Walter who is a very experienced high-ranking civil servant; Dr. Jones, President of the Royal College of Catastrophic Medicine; and Ms. Mathews a very senior Nurse, former Matron at St. Barnabas Hospital.They have just returned from lunch.

  SIR WALTER) Welcome back this afternoon – I felt we needed a break after the morning’s experiences. First we’ll assess progress so far. With two competitors for the National Emergency Contract, the NHS and the Private Corporation, we must discuss the events.

  DR. JONES) Thank you, Chairman. First I should like to record our thanks to little Miss Nightingale for taking the role of Resuscitannie this morning, the original so unfortunately smashed yesterday by that NHS weight-lifter.

  MS. MATHEWS) Yes, Miss Nightingale’s blue lips and hands were remarkably life-like – or rather death-like – as she lay there clutching her syringe.

  SIR WALTER) What about the first team member – the Senior Administrative Manager?

  DR. JONES) Well, we watched her on the CCTV and when she entered the room she did not observe the body, but after she stumbled over it and found her spectacles she behaved quite well – at least she did no harm. She took out her notebook and made several entries, and when that was done she straightened the room up a little.

  SIR WALTER) But as far as doing anything for the casualty?

  DR. JONES) No, she left the body strictly alone.

  SIR WALTER) Good, it might have been contaminated or infected. And the second one?

  DR. JONES) He was the Personnel Manager. He saw the body straight away, knelt down and tried to look for a pulse. For a moment it looked as thought he would attempt first aid, but then he just turned her to one side to see her ID badge and went through her pockets and put some contents into his wallet .

  SIR WALTER) Well, identification and information are important. Next?

  DR. JONES) The Emergency Training Officer. She had a bag with her, and the moment she saw the body she got out a large triangular bandage and applied it neatly. Then she stood up and looked around. She noticed the syringe and carefully placed it in the waste-paper basket, and then she straightened out the body to make it look more tidy.

  MS. MATHEWS) She was St. John’s Ambulance trained – they always feel better when a bandage or two has been applied.

  SIR WALTER) And after her?

  DR. JONES) The next one was their PR man – the one who looks like Monty Don. He started the ABC first-aid drill quite well, and when he was doing the mouth to mouth it was gratifying to see how the body responded and revived and for a moment or two clutched him. He seemed to know what he was doing. I gave him a good mark.

  SIR WALTER) But I noted that he didn’t make any proper minutes or notes while doing so. We have to be very careful now after the recent Butler report. And next?

  DR. JONES) That was the Finance Director – and he was the person who fainted so that the corpse had to revive and sit up and put him into the recovery position.

  SIR WALTER) Ah. A sensitive man for a sensitive position. And was he the final one?

  DR. JONES) Fortunately he was almost the last. The final one was the Security Officer. I don’t think Miss Nightingale would have tolerated any more. He looked at the syringe, then he searched her pockets, then he must have thought that some important information was concealed in her bra and knickers. I thought she put up with that examination very well until he turned away when she stabbed him deep in the bottom with her syringe needle. Looking at the security film we all applauded.

  MS. MATHEWS) Except me. I certainly did not. That was most unprofessional for any nurse in any position, especially one named Nightingale. I was not amused.

  DR. JONES) Nor was he.

  SIR WALTER) Ah yes. Well, quite right. And you must understand that I cannot be seen to support violence unless it has been properly authorised. And people do hide things in strange places. So how do we think they compared with the NHS team from yesterday? Margaret - what do you think?

  MS. MATHEWS) Well, from my notes, only one of this morning’s team had any concept about applying first aid or providing any practical help. The rest seemed to lack any appreciation of the emergency or even what was possible. So they score very poorly.

  SIR WALTER) We ensured that they could not use their mobile phones and did not have lap-tops with them. Perhaps in real life they would have benefited from being able to look up the emergency procedures?

  DR. JONES) Perhaps, but I’m not sure about that – and if an emergency destroyed the power system, their lap-tops would soon run flat. I thought they were dreadful, especially for a company applying for the National Emergency Response Franchise. The NHS team was far better, except for the weight-lifter who
broke Resuscitannie.

  MS. MATHEWS) Yes, I agree. This Private Company may be backed by one of the banks and by Bernie Ecclestone, but their performance was very poor. The NHS group outstripped them by all criteria.

  SIR WALTER) Well I think that is all. Thank you very much for your views and your time and skills. Of course this morning’s team is based in the Minister’s constituency so it is only courteous for me to discuss the matter with her. There are always extra criteria which we senior civil servants must consider when so much of the so-called taxpayers’ money is involved. I am sure that my officers and I can now write a suitable report. Margaret and James - thank you again, your invaluable help has been much appreciated and will not go unnoticed or unrewarded.

  Sir Walter leaves the room.

  DR. JONES - crossly) That last sentence means they have decided to give the contract to the private team. Just wasting our time. Stuck-up pig! Sucking-up to the piggy Minister! I wish the nurse had had the opportunity to stick the syringe in a much more senior bottom!

  MS. MATHEWS) Calm down, James. There may be a microphone here. We’d better go and complete our mileage claims.

  Curtain.

  THE EMPTY LOCKER.

  (not a thousand miles from Malvern and Security Boffins)

  Scene 1 An office. - Desk, door, window, three chairs, box in corner.

  Brian – the Senior Manager of the Municipal Baths is seated at a desk wearing a suit. Natasha - his Deputy comes in wearing duty swimming-bath attendant clothing.

  Brian -“Natasha - I am just leaving for the bank holiday. I know you will keep things in order”

  Natasha -“I’ll try. Have we enough chlorine for the week-end?”

  Brian -“It was delivered today. Sufficient to wipe out half of Malvern.”

  Natasha - “Good - have a nice break”

  Brian (putting on coat) - “Have you heard from Adrian?”